The Unbearable Likeness of Peeing

Cooper Thornton
9 min readJan 18, 2022

I turn 60 this week, so naturally I’m concerned about my health. Good resting heart rate of 60, though I took it just now and it was 72, but I was holding my breath for half of it to try to get it lower when I saw at about 30 seconds that it would hit above 60. I believe the stress of trying to lower my heart rate caused it to be higher. Anyway, the last time I was at the doctor to have a pre-cancerous spot on my forehead checked out, my resting heart rate was 60. Blood pressure was also good, 114 over 74. I think that’s good. Is that good? The nurse didn’t seem concerned, so I figured I was good.

Looking at the numbers from my last physical, my glucose was high, but I think I’d had a bowl of Trader Joe’s Frosted Flakes that morning, cause I forgot I was supposed to be fasting, though I still told them I was. I figured it couldn't get into my bloodstream as fast as it apparently did. And I rarely have the Frosted Flakes. I usually have the Shredded Wheat or just some toast, or maybe a smoothie with almond milk, frozen bananas, half a bag of raw baby spinach, and a couple of raw eggs. That’s probably the healthiest I ever get for breakfast. And two cups of coffee. Which makes me very regular. Almost have to actually be on the toilet when I drink my coffee, it acts as such an accelerated laxative. I daren’t wander too far from the porcelain.

My hemoglobin was also just outside the normal range, marking me as prediabetic. What the fuck?! I’m 5' 11" (if I stretch it. Used to be 6'), I weigh 175 dripping wet, and I swim usually five times a week. I eat fairly healthy, never have soda, never any fast food, unless you count Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken, then with Friday pizza/movie nights, I have two nights a week of less than ideally perfectly healthy meals. I do tend to snack on TJ’s dark chocolate covered espresso beans. It takes me maybe a week to go through a 14 oz. container if I pace myself. And I really like TJ’s peanut butter filled pretzel pillows. My boys call them “Dad snacks”. They have no problem eating my Dad snacks.

Everything else on my LabCorp report fell pretty much within the normal range except for my Zinc. My zinc was definitely high, which they say can cause nausea and loose stools. I need no help promoting my stools. My stools are quite regular, thank you very much. Sometimes too regular. I must…

Cooper Thornton

Parent, Actor, People Lover, Observer, Writer and Most Often Happy Depressive in NC by way of LA by way of UK by way of BC by way of TN, where it all started.