The 5–10–15 Reasons I May Be Old

Dammit! Earlier today, I farted and a little pee leaked out. I’m serious. It wasn’t the first time. But this one… this time… It felt significant. I just stood there and let it happen. Like I was helpless to stop it. Like it was inevitable. Or worse, just not caring. Like I was wearing Depends and could pee a little anytime and anywhere I wanted. Like it was natural to piddle a little every time I cough, sneeze, laugh, poop or fart.

It’s not. Thank you God, I am not there yet! But still.

This time it felt like I had just accepted that it would happen. Or that I wasn’t going to do anything if it did.

I suppose I’ve been waiting for this day. I expect a lot of us have. I could probably get a grant to study how often people in my age bracket leak a little when their core is suddenly and unexpectedly engaged, like when you cough or sneeze. I’ve also felt the flow of freedom, a little bladder spittle, when doing crunches. I’m always surprised just how wet a few drops of urine can feel. It always makes me wish I was wearing underwear. I’m most often commando. Which means if I’m wearing shorts, and they’re loose, and I’m standing, I’m not getting my shorts wet. I’m dripping on my shoes or my bare feet.

I’m afraid I’m old. There are more reasons. Not just my flirtation with incontinence.